Hi Jay, I we have your test results back, and I have some bad news for you. Your results show that you have contracted a rare strain of the herpes virus, known as HJC-1, or more recently as ‘It’. Typical symptoms are being pursued by a Michael Myers-esqe specter that will follow you relentlessly, albeit slowly. Here are some pamphlets in regards to the moral implications of passing it on to unwitting sexual partners. Please reach out to your campus student support center if you need any additional assistance.