Kindergarten Cop 2 (2016) – Review

Should there be a time limit for releasing a sequel? The original movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger came out in 1990, that’s a quarter of a century ago, and now we have a sequel that doesn’t even have Arnie it. What is the bloody point? That Kindergarten Cop 2 is a direct-to-video release should be a surprise to no one as this movie is more in keeping with Daddy Day Care than it does with the original Ivan Reitman film. The big question is if you can’t get Arnie to come back who are you going to get?

Enter Dolph Lundgren as Agent Reed, an undercover agent for the F.B.I who apparently has a penchant for falling in love while on the job. We first meet agent Reed as he is helping his lover Katya (Rebecca Olson) escape from her Albanian mobster boyfriend.  Things take a bad turn when said lover Alexander Zugo (Aleks Paunovic) shows up to get his girl back and kill Reed, but this was all part of the undercover plan, so just before Zugo can put a bullet into Reed’s head a bunch of F.B.I. agents storm into arrest the mob boss.  What is insane is that Zugo asks if Reed has any lasts words and then the two argue over the stupidity of “Pineapple” being someone’s last words.  The intelligence behind “Pineapple” being the code word for the F.B.I. to burst in is hampered by the fact that Zugo could have shot Reed ten times between him saying pineapple and the agents finally arriving.

Zugo taking too much time to kill someone will become a theme

The movie then jumps ahead a year where we learn from Reed’s partner (Bill Bellamy) that since Katya has disappeared into witness relocation all Reed has been doing with himself is one night stands, women can’t enough of aging federal agents, but then this social drama is put on hold as the two discover that someone has hacked the F.B.I. witness relocation database. They quickly realize that if Zugo gets a hold of this list he could find Katya, then the only witness the prosecution has will be killed and Zugo will be off the hook. First it’s rather surprising to hear that Zugo is out on bail after trying to kill a federal agent, but how is Katya the only person who can put him away? When they arrested Zugo Reed rattled of the charges consisting of, “Racketeering, wire fraud, money laundering, and I’m sure we can come up with other stuff like trying to kill me.” How exactly is Katya the only one who can testify to any of that?

Are these two just that colossally bad at their jobs?

Of course all this is just bullshit to set up getting Reed to go undercover at an elementary school. Turns out that the hacker, before dying in a car crash, hid the thumb drive containing file somewhere in the school where he worked. We are told the recovery of the thumb drive is crucial because even if they move the people on the list the drive still includes their new identities and social insurance numbers. How is this a problem? Why can’t the government simply give them new ones? Reed spends days undercover trying to locate that thumb drive, which you’d think would be enough time for the government to pull all the endangered witnesses into protective custody until new identities can be made for them. But no that would make sense, the first thing our two brilliant F.B.I. agents try and do is interrogate six year olds from the hackers class, but they are unable get any useful information other than, “My sister has a vagina.”

Question: Where in the hell are these kid’s parents?

I know this is a silly comedy but in what universe do they let F.B.I. agents interrogate minors without the presence of their parents? And during the film’s climax, when the Zugo and his men hold a group of kids at gunpoint, we are treated to little kids engaging in a fight with the gangsters.  So you can also add child endangerment to the list of crimes that can be laid at the feet of these supposed F.B.I. agents. Of course this is not a film about actual police work but rather it is your standard fish out of water story where a hard ass right wing agent must learn to handle small children. Now that is kind of the premise of the original but where back in 1990 Arnie had to explain to kids, “It’s not a tumor” in this film it’s more about how society has become too liberal. The elementary school that Dolph goes undercover in is all about meditation, therapy pigs, and that if a child spells cat with a “K” it’s not wrong it’s creative spelling. Not one joke is the least bit subtle, almost every minute of this film’s screenplay is just shouting, “Today’s schools are neutering our kids!” That the movie didn’t end with the credit “Paid for by the Republican” party completely surprised me.

We actually get Dolph telling kids that sharing is liberal bullshit.

This movie’s conservative message isn’t even the most uncomfortable part of this comic travesty, no that would be his love affair with fellow kindergarten teacher Oliva (Darla Taylor), a woman who would have been two years old when Rocky IV came out. Stallone, Arnie and Dolph have all proved that even at their advanced age they can still pull off a fun action movie, but for god’s sake find a love interest that isn’t young enough to be your daughter.

Can we assume she has some unresolved daddy issues?

I’m not sure who the intended audience Kindergarten Cop 2 is, certainly not fans of the original, so my guess it’s for little kids who like pee jokes and line dancing. Wait, do kids like line dancing? So if you want to see Dolph Lundgren get peed on, wear a cowboy hat and make out with someone a quarter of his age then this could be the film for you. If you are looking for an actual comedy check to see if the original one is on Netflix.

Note: The film even has the cliché angry boss who yells at our hero even though that stereotype had already been lampooned in The Last Action Hero back in 1993.