Eliminators (1986) – Review

1986’s Eliminators plays like somebody dumped a box of mismatched action figures on the floor, yelled “movie!” and started filming. Imagine if a sleep-deprived screenwriter watched The Time Machine, Robocop and an Indiana Jones film back-to-back, then rewrote them all in one delirious weekend with a $15 budget and a stack of VHS tapes from the clearance bin, that’s this movie in a nutshell.

The film begins with the introduction of Mandroid (Patrick Reynolds), a former pilot who has been transformed into a half-man, half-machine warrior by the villainous scientist Dr. Abbott Reeves (Roy Dotrice).  Reeves is using this cyborg, which is equipped with interchangeable robotic arms, cybernetic implants, and—most impressively—a lower-body attachment that allows him to swap his legs for tank treads when necessary. Reeves, an evil genius obsessed with time travel, has been using Mandroid as a test subject for his experiments, and to say that Reeves is not the most compassionate of employers would be a vast understatement.

“I was kind of hoping for the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail.”

After a successful mission transporting a piece of ancient Roman armour through time, which causes John to regain fragments of his human memories, Reeves orders his assistant, Doctor Takada (Tad Horino), to dismantle the Mandroid and remove its memory, as this particular creation is no longer required for the furtherance of his evil goals. A sympathetic Takada warns Mandroid of this turn of events and aids in his escape. He dies helping the hero escape, which is par for the course in this kind of thing. Still, before dying, he tells Mandroid to find scientist Col. Nora Hunter (Denise Crosby), who is responsible for designing various parts of the Mandroid, as he will need her help in stopping Reeves from enacting an evil plan.

“I knew working with a mad scientist was a bad idea.”

After escaping, John heads to the United States, hoping to find Nora Hunter, and while he does find her, one spunky scientist isn’t enough to take down someone as evil as Dr. Abbot Reeves. This leads to the formation of our “Action Team,” which consists of wisecracking riverboat pilot Harry Fontana (Andrew Prine), who gets swept up in the adventure purely for the payday but ends up being surprisingly useful. That he looks like he escaped straight out of the comedy Romancing the Stone is beside the point. More importantly, we have Kuji (Conan Lee), a ninja who is seeking revenge against Reeves for killing his father, Doctor Kanada, because 1980s action movies legally required at least one ninja. And… A CAVEMAN. Yes. A literal caveman shows up because why not?

What’s a time travel movie without some cavemen?

Now fully assembled, this ragtag group of heroes will set off on their perilous journey, battling Reeves’ henchmen, dodging jungle traps, and engaging in high-speed boat chases along the way. When they eventually infiltrate Reeves’ fortress, the team discovers the full extent of his twisted experiments. Reeves isn’t just content with cyborg soldiers, he’s building an entire army of time-travelling warriors to rewrite history in his favour. What is his ultimate goal? As mentioned, he plans to use time travel to become the supreme ruler of the past and the future. But can our team save the sacred timeline? Will Nora fall for Fontana’s roguish charm? And will our cyborg hero have to face off against an upgraded version of himself? Let’s just say that Charles Band and company will leave no cliché unturned.

“Iron Man, eat your heart out.”

Stray Observations:

• Our hero’s origin story involves a plane crash and advanced science saving his life and turning him into a cyborg. I guess the writers were fans of The Six Million Dollar Man as that’s how Steve Austin got his start.
• Mandroid use a rocket launcher attachment to blow a hole in a stone wall to escape, rather than just driving through the wooden gate two feet to the left. To be fair, explosions are cool.
• To travel incognito from Reeves’ South American jungle lab to the States, Mandroid covers his clunky cyborg parts with a hat and a poncho. Brilliant. No notes.
• Nora has a small robot that looks like a cheap knock-off of VINCENT from Disney’s The Black Hole. Which, in turn, was a knock-off of R2-D2.
• Throughout the film’s entire running time, our band of heroes is never called or referred to as Eliminators. Did some corporate branding agent come up with it?

Raiders of the Lost Plot.

This movie was directed Peter Manoogian but more importantly it was produced by Charles Band, the man behind such classics as Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn and Trancers, is as goofy and silly as Eliminators turned out to be should shock no one, that said, the story laid out here barely holds together, jumping from one ridiculous scene to the next like a drunken game of hopscotch. One minute we’re in a lab, the next we’re in the jungle, then suddenly…Surprise! Ninja attack! There’s no flow, no logic, and no reason for anything that happens. The aforementioned scientist is your standard-issue cackling villain, with a vaguely European accent, and with a lair that looks like it was built from leftover Bond movie props.

“You try building a proper lair on this kind of budget.”

As for the special effects, let’s just say that the Mandroid’s suit looks like it was made out of cardboard and duct tape, and that’s being kind. Mandroid even has a detachable tank body, which is hilarious until you realize how painfully unwieldy it moves. This “tank mode” should be an exciting feature, but it’s so slow and impractical that it feels more like a joke than a cool sci-fi gimmick. This guy couldn’t chase down a turtle on a sugar crash. And let’s not forget the villain, Abbott Reeves, a discount Doctor Doom who wants to rule ancient Rome. Yes, you read that right. The evil scientist’s grand ambition isn’t world domination, unlimited power, or even money; he wants to go back to ancient Rome and rule it with his advanced technology. What’s his endgame? Sell futuristic togas? Invent pizza early? We’ll never know, because he fails spectacularly.

“Damn you, and your little cyborg too.”

The acting? It’s about as lifeless as the Mandroid himself, who speaks in a monotone voice from the school of Robocop. It’s the least intimidating cyborg voice ever, making every line he delivers sound like he’s struggling with a bad Wi-Fi connection. Roy Dotrice doesn’t fare much better as the villain; he chews scenery like he’s starving, and it doesn’t help that his evil plan to conquer ancient Rome sounds like something a third-grader came up with. Finally, we have Denise Crosby, who would later find fame in Star Trek: The Next Generation, but she’s fighting a losing battle against some of the worst dialogue ever written. She’s trying way too hard to take things seriously while everything around her is pure nonsense. Props to her for keeping a straight face!

“Resistance is futile.”

And let’s talk about the action. You’d think a movie featuring cyborgs, ninjas, and explosions would at least deliver some fun, right? Wrong. The fight choreography is stiff, the effects look like they were made with a $20 budget, and the “high-tech” weaponry is laughable. Mandroid’s tank treads might be the slowest-moving action vehicle in history. There are explosions, laser battles, and plenty of B-movie one-liners. Without spoiling too much, let’s just say that when the dust settles, justice is served, bad guys are defeated, and cyborg-tank legs prove their worth. Despite all of this—or maybe because of it—Eliminators is an absolute riot. It’s the kind of movie that makes you wonder if the filmmakers were in on the joke or if they genuinely thought they were making the next big sci-fi blockbuster. Either way, it’s a glorious mess that delivers non-stop unintentional laughs. 

And seriously, who doesn’t love ninjas and cyborgs?

If you ever wanted to see a movie where a cyborg in tank treads teams up with a ninja and a riverboat captain to fight a time-travelling Roman emperor wannabe, congratulations, you’ve found the perfect film. Peter Manoogian’s Eliminators is a goofy, nonsensical film so full of bizarre choices that it’s impossible to look away. Whether it’s the terrible effects, the bonkers plot, or the fact that someone thought this was a good idea, it’s a must-watch for lovers of cheesy sci-fi schlock. Just make sure to bring plenty of popcorn…and maybe some aspirin.