Tonight, the SyFy Channel is airing the much-anticipated sequel to Sharknado, so as a public service, I’m providing a quick recap in case anyone has missed this story that truly speaks to the hearts of men and women and answers that age-old question, “What would a tornado full of sharks look like?” Of course, the bigger question is, “What the hell was John Heard doing in this film?”
“I’m in it for the bar snacks.”
• Some dudes are dealing in illegal shark fin harvesting. Both are eaten, and thus ends that plot thread.
• The main hero of this shark movie is named Fin.
• One of our heroes has a previous shark attack back story.
• Hero is divorced from April (Tara Reid), who has custody of his two children.
• Hero has a hot waitress who is in love with him.
• Storm hits the coast and tosses a shark through the heroes’ bar window.
• Sharknado, in homage to the film 1941, rolls a Ferris wheel down the boardwalk.
• Hero must race through the storm to save his ex and kids, dragging along a waitress and others for you know “reasons.”
• John Heard dies while fighting off a shark. His weapon of choice was a bar stool.
• April is living with an asshat who claims they are in no danger.
• Asshat is quickly eaten by a shark that attacks from a surging swimming pool.
• We meet the daughter who hates dad because he broke mom’s heart
• April’s house exploded as a tidal wave of water burst out of it.
• Hero finds out his son is in town and also in danger, so they all hop in a truck to rescue him.
• Son is found hiding in a closet with a group of soon-to-die extras.
• Daughter warns waitress that her dad will break her heart.
• Waitress and son start looking at each other romantically as they plan to bomb the Sharknado from a helicopter.
• Waitress falls out of a helicopter and is swallowed by a flying Great White Shark.
• Great White later swallows the hero who is wielding an Excalibur-level chainsaw.
• Hero cuts himself out of the belly of the beast with said chainsaw.
• Hero then reaches back inside the shark and pulls out the still living waitress.
“Hail to the King, Baby.”
Then the end credits roll, and we’re left wondering if the hero is going to get back together with his family or will he cut in on his son’s action and leave with the waitress he just saved?
“It’s raining sharks, Hallelujah!“
This movie pits humans against aquatic foes, but Sharknado reaches levels of incompetence in filmmaking that stagger the imagination. We expect bad CGI and effects in our SyFy original movies, but the amount of continuity errors between practically every shot is simply astounding. One shot will show us black clouds and blowing rain, and then the very next shot, it’s calm and sunny, but what’s more unbelievable than the CGI sharks and silly storm is the family drama they tossed in because that is apparently a requirement in a disaster film.
Stay tuned for Sharknado 2: The Second One.