Treasure of the Four Crowns (1983) – Review

If one element that stands out among films of the 1980s, well, other than the slasher craze, was the revival of the 3D movie – any third instalment in a franchise was pretty much required to be in 3D and thus we got Friday the 13th 3D and Amityville 3D during this era – but following the popularity of Steven Spielberg’s Raiders of the Lost Ark we were also treated to a lot of Indiana Jones knock-offs, yet how many of those had the balls to be released in 3D! And the fact that this is a Cannon film, you know it’s going to be great.

You know you are in for a “Bad Movie” treat when a film opens with a long opening crawl that tries to explain its entire premise, and for this entry, we get a doozy. ”In the universe, there are things man cannot hope to understand. Powers he cannot hope to possess. Forces he cannot hope to control. The Four Crowns are such things. Yet the search has begun. A soldier of fortune takes the first step. He seeks a key that will unlock the power of the Four Crowns and unleash a world where good and evil collide.” With that kind of build-up, what could go wrong? A lot actually, and while the opening sequence with Soldier of Fortune J.T. Striker (Tony Anthony) retrieving this “key of power” from a fortress, that is guarded by not only elaborate booby traps but a variety of viscous animals and supernatural forces, is a lot of fun to watch, sadly, the fact that the film’s primary hero has the charisma level of damp sponge makes everything that follows harder to get behind.

He doesn’t so much as ooze charisma as he does Bourbon and Scotch.

The plot, if you can call it that, is more like a series of loosely connected escapades and misadventures. It’s almost as if the filmmakers got lost themselves and decided to throw in some random obstacles to keep things interesting. We have the aforementioned J.T. Striker being hired to retrieve a magical key that will unlock four legendary crowns that supposedly contain unmentionable powers, and by unmentionable, I mean silly and ludicrous, and this leads to Striker being tasked with retrieving those crowns, unfortunately, they are in the possession of an evil cult leader named Brother Jonas (Emiliano Redondo) who will most likely use the supernatural power of crowns for world domination, that or open up a chain of Subway sandwich shops.

Still, he’s less despicable than Jared Fogel.

Of course, such a dangerous mission is not something one can achieve on their own, so Striker must assemble a crack team of adventurers. First, we have Rick (Jerry Lazarus) an expert mountain climber who would rather climb into a bottle than up a mountain – for some reason the magical key going nuts and ruining his cabin is enough to get him to agree to come on this insane mission – next is aging circus strongman Socrates (Francisco Rabal) who has a heart condition but is hiding this from his daughter Liz (Ana Obregón), an accomplished trapeze artist and final member of our team. Needless to say, this is not exactly A-Team material, and I wouldn’t trust these guys to break into a summer camp, let alone a mountain fortress guarded by machine gun-toting cultists. Basically, Ferdinando Baldi’s Treasure of the Four Crowns is the kind of movie that makes you wonder if the treasure they were searching for was actually a good script. This cheesy adventure flick may not have won any Oscars, but it sure wins the prize for unintentional hilarity.

Note: The sequence of our heroes breaking into the “Vault of the Crowns” is so long and tedious that I started to wonder if I was watching an experiment on coma-inducing boredom.

The treasure hunt itself is a rollercoaster ride of head-scratching moments, with our intrepid heroes seeming to have a perfect knack for stumbling into one absurd situation after another. From dodging overly dramatic traps to deciphering cryptic clues that even a parrot with a PhD. would struggle with, the “comedy” never stops. our villain. As for the villain, Brother Jonas has more moustache twirls than a silent movie villain and a lair that looks like it was designed by a Bond villain on a shoestring budget. His grand plans for world domination are as over-the-top as his wardrobe, and it’s impossible not to chuckle at his diabolical speeches. The dialogue, bless its heart, is a treasure trove of unintentional comedy gold. Lines delivered with such gravity and earnestness that you can’t help but wonder if the actors knew they were in on the joke. “We must find the crowns, or the world will fall into darkness!” Cue dramatic music and a collective eyebrow raise from the audience.

Put on your 3D glasses and set a course for adventure!

Stray Observations:

• Posters credited the 3D process used in the film as “Supervision” and “Wondervision” but both of these processes are fictitious, and the film actually used the Marks 3-Depix Stereospace Converter.
• If you were to remove all the shots of things being slowly thrust at the camera, this movie would be thirty minutes shorter.
• In the opening, Striker is attacked by various winged creatures, which consist mostly of birds, but one of these looks to be a baby Pteranodon, yet no explanation is given as to why a prehistoric creature is inhabiting an old fortress.
• In the classic opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones was chased out of the tomb by a giant rolling stone. In this movie, our hero is chased by two FLAMING rolling stones. How is that for one-upmanship?

Eat your heart out, Indiana Jones.

The film’s production values are another significant drawback, with special effects and set designs that are outdated and unconvincing even for something made in the mid-80s. The action sequences, which should have been the film’s highlight, are poorly choreographed and lack the excitement and tension needed to hold the audience’s attention. The use of 3D technology, a novelty at the time, is more distracting than immersive, with numerous scenes that seem forced and gimmicky, and by that, I mean 90% of the 3D is random stuff simply being thrust at the viewer in that subtle “It’s coming right at you!” style of this era of cheap 3D. Treasure of the Four Crowns tries its hardest to dazzle you with flying arrows and cheesy projectiles. If you’ve ever wanted to see a sword thrust directly at your face in glorious ’80s 3D, this movie delivers. However, by today’s standards, it’s more likely to make you chuckle than duck for cover.

Some tombs should remain unraided.

One might argue that Treasure of the Four Crowns could be appreciated as a nostalgic relic from the early 1980s, but even through that lens, it struggles to stand the test of time. The cast, unfortunately, is unable to salvage the film as even seasoned actors like Tony Anthony and Ana Obregón struggle with the thinly sketched characters they’re given. The lack of compelling dialogue and character development leaves the audience disconnected from the protagonists, making it difficult to root for their success or empathize with their challenges. Add to this the film’s shortcomings in storytelling and production, and it makes the film a difficult one to recommend to modern audiences seeking a compelling adventure movie, well, unless you are a lover of cheesy bad movies and if that’s the case, some fun can be had spending time riffing with like-minded friends.

Note: When Striker opens the crowns and holds the two “gems of power,” we get an “Ark of the Covenant” moment that is so balls-to-the-wall crazy that it almost redeems the long passages of tedium that preceded this scene. It doesn’t get much better than this, seriously, it doesn’t.

In summary, Treasure of the Four Crowns is a true ’80s time capsule, filled with dated fashion, cringe-worthy dialogue, and 3D effects that might leave you wondering if you’ve accidentally stumbled into a theme park ride. But if you’re in the mood for a good laugh and some nostalgic fun, this treasure hunt gone wrong might just be the comedic gem you’re looking for. So, grab your popcorn, put on your 3D glasses (if you dare), and embark on this wild, unintentionally hilarious adventure.