Super Friends: The Legendary Super Powers Show: “The Bride of Darkseid”

Lasting one season, with only eight episodes, this particular run of Super Friends did have some rather interesting elements added to it, most notably the caliber of villains on display. Unlike the first few seasons of Super Friends, where our heroes tackled misguided aliens or scientists with crazy ideas, this series followed in the vein of The Challenge of the Super Friends – where actual super villains from the comics were allowed to appear – but instead of various members of Legion of Doom trying to take over the world each week the Super Friends: The Legendary Super Powers Show mostly followed three of DC’s bigger guns, Lex Luthor, Brainiac and Darkseid, as they tangled with the Super Friends. The last one being the chief antagonist for the show’s short run, and what really distinguished Darkseid from the rest of the rogues gallery was his constantly being sidetracked from conquering the universe so that he could to hit on Wonder Woman.

The series formula at this point was to have two short stories per half-hour, yet in the case of “The Bride of Darkseid” it was the whole half-hour but made into a two-parter. The episode begins with the narrator telling us that, “Somewhere on a dusty desert road Black Vulcan pursues two bank robbers,” and we see Black Vulcan having a hard time catching this car full of crooks…for some reason.  I know he’s not the in the same league as The Flash when it comes to speed but you’d think his powers would allow him to fly faster than 60 mph, but then it gets worse as he’s thwarted by the bank robbers activating a smoke screen.

“If only I had the ability to fly above this.”

Just as the crooks think they’ve got it made they find that their car has been turned into a bathtub. What wizardry is this you ask? Well the Super Friends: The Legendary Super Powers Show introduces a new hero to the Saturday morning roster in the form of Firestorm, and as super powered heroes go he’s a tough one to beat. Created by Gerry Conway and Al Milgrom in the late 70s Firestorm had the ability to rearrange the atomic and subatomic structure of inorganic matter, and then to create objects of different atomic characteristics of equal mass. So he can turn a car into a bathtub with basically just a thought and a wave of his hand, kind of like a wizard. That he doesn’t end every conflict or threat in a matter of seconds can be chalked up to him not being all that bright.

He could have turned the car’s fuel into water, but this seemed more fun.

After helping Black Vulcan, whose embarrassing performance gets him stuck on monitor duty for the rest of today’s adventure, Firestorm stops the Daily Planet globe from falling to the streets below – turning it into a hot air balloon – and we are going to assume he later turned it back.  He then saves a ship from colliding into an iceberg by turning the ice into lead so that it sinks to the bottom of the sea, and these two events were witnessed by Superman and Wonder Woman who, along with the rest gang, thinks he would make a powerful Superfriend, but they are concerned that they don’t know much about him.  And how will our group of heroes get to the bottom of this new superhero?  Well, because Standards and Practices at the time still wouldn’t let Batman actually hit villains he’s once again relegated to operating the Bat Computer.

World’s Greatest Data Entry Operator.

Batman informs the group that, “According to spectral-genetic analysis of this photograph Firestorm’s genetic code is composed of quadruple DNA helixes. It means Firestorm appears to be two people in one.” Batman got all that from analyzing a photograph? That is one amazing computer, and a hell of a camera, but while the Superfriends are pondering the ramifications of this new hero we cut away to the arrival of our chief villain, the all-powerful Darkseid. Along with his son Kalibak Darkseid has come to defeat the Superfriends, so as to assure his reign over planet Earth, but that’s not the only thing on his agenda as he makes it clear to his son that no harm should come to Wonder Woman.

Darkseid brings his kid on an interplanetary booty call.

Using his Omega Beams to trigger a volcanic eruption Darkseid lures the Superfriends into a trap – they tend to fall into a lot of traps in this series – and so Superman, Black Vulcan, Batman and Robin are captured in a net made of a kryptonite alloy (whenever Superman is involved the villains kind of need to have some kind of kryptonite around), and Wonder Woman is wrapped up like a Christmas package and seized by Kalibak.

Wonder Woman in bondage managed to survive the transition from comic to cartoon.

Before Darkseid can carry out his kidnapping scheme Firestorm arrives and turns Wonder Woman’s bonds into ribbons, that she of course can easily break free of, and he dissolves the net holding the rest of the Superfriends. You’d think “dissolving” would be your go to attack in almost all instances but what Firestorm lacks in brains he makes up for in creativity. When Batman asks just who is this “Darkseid person” Superman informs the group that, “Darkseid comes from the planet Apokolips, and is said to be the most powerful leader of the intergalactic underworld.”  Superman wisely leaves out the fact that Darkseid is also a notorious perv.

“Damnit you fool, this isn’t Wonder Woman’s shower cam.”

Back on Apokolips Darkseid’s chief science officer, the diabolical DeSaad, has developed a machine called the “Mind Probe” and with but a push of a button DeSaad can alter the personality of any living thing. Kalibak wants to try it out on Batman or Superman but Darkseid growls, “Silence, Kalibak. As soon as I can penetrate the Hall of Justice Wonder Woman will be our first victim. I’ve always dreamed of making her my ally but with this device I can make her my queen.” I know this is a Saturday morning cartoon but that all seems a tad rapey to me. So it’s a good thing that the Hall of Justice is protected by a force fields that keeps out all intruders, well that is until hormone raging Firestorm accidentally hits the off switch while dreaming of a Mrs. Robinson type relationship with Wonder Woman, and deactivates the force field which allows Darkseid to kidnap her.

It seems to be a contest here as to who is the lamest Superfriend.

Superman later consoles the newest member by saying, “There’s no time to blame yourself Firestorm.” Which I assume is code for, “Once we rescue Wonder Woman you’re fired.” Batman spots Wonder Woman’s magic lasso on the floor and Robin brilliantly deduces, “This doesn’t look good, Batman.” Thanks Robin, your input is as valuable as always, now go back and help Alfred dust the Batcave.  Black Vulcan is able to use the Hall of Justice computer to locate Apokolips (Wait, isn’t that Batman’s job?) and so Superman announces who will be a member of the rescue team, “Batman, Robin, Firestorm, I think it’s time we paid a Darkseid a visit.” Yeah, bring the idiot that is responsible for her being captured in the first place, and leave the black guy behind to answer the phone.

“Oh, you guys are just terrible!”

The Superfriends arrive on Apokolips via a hollow meteor and immediately infiltrate Darkseid’s headquarters, but unbeknownst to them Darkseid hasn’t been idle and Wonder Woman had spent some time under DeSaad’s evil Mind Probe. The team quickly discover where Wonder Woman is being held, and because Darkseid doesn’t want to make it too easy for them he sends giant kryptonite energy balls at them, which Firestorm is able to easily deactivate, and then a troop of robots that are incapacitated when Firestorm turns the floor into an oils slick.

Note: Once again Standards and Practices for children’s television shows prevented the writers and animators of The Super Friends from using something they deemed to frightening for children. Those familiar with DC comics and Darkseid know that his chief shock troops consist of Parademons.

These are the Parademons from the comics.

This is what we got on the Super Friends.

Eventually the Superfriends find Wonder Woman’s cell and rescue her, but things kind of go south rather quickly when Wonder Woman leads them into a trap. Turns out DeSaad’s machine worked just fine and now Wonder Woman has partnered up with Darkseid (let’s all agree as a group that they didn’t have time to consummate their relationship) and the Superfriends are held fast by the power of the Mind Probe as Darkseid informs them that, “She is mine now, as you all shall be. At the touch of the button you shall become servants of both myself and my future queen, Wonder Woman.”

I wonder where these two will register for wedding gifts.

Things don’t look good for the Superfriends, not even Superman has the mental power to resist DeSaad’s diabolical device, but there is one thing that Darkseid hadn’t planned on and that would be Firestorm. Turns out the about Firestorm being two minds in one body (High School student Ronnie Raymond and Nobel Prize-winning physicist Martin Stein who become Firestorm when the two merge) allows them to resist the Mind Probe and he break free of its evil grip.

And yes Firestorm will make the, “Two heads are better than one” joke.

Once Firestorm is free of the Mind Probe he blasts it into pieces, thus freeing the rest of the Superfriends from its evil grip, and Superman rolls up Darkseid, DeSadd and Kalibak in the floor – if you know anything about Darkseid’s power set you know this is utter bullshit – and then Batman whips out Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth stating that, “Only the power of her magic lasso can save her now.” Batman snares Wonder Woman in its golden coils and states, “Stop, Wonder Woman. By the power of Hera, you are now free.” The Amazon is then able to break the hold that the Mind Probe had on her, but while everyone was marveling at their returning friend Darkseid and company freed themselves from the rolled up floor. “Nothing can stand my Omega Beams,” Darkseid claims, but which Superman seems to manage with but a little effort, and it also buys them enough time for Wonder Woman to use Darkseid’s Stargate device to open a portal home.

Note: In the comics a “Boom Tube” was used as a dimensional point-to-point travel portal, mostly for traveling between New Genesis and Apokolips, why this show changed it to a Stargate is beyond me. Maybe the “boom” in Boom Tube sounded too violent.

Even though Super Friends: The Legendary Super Powers Show has our heroes being pitted against very dangerous foes the action is still relegated to people being caught in nets, or escaping force field beams and other such nonsense, a battle between Superman and Darkseid should be a titanic battle of epic proportions and not the lame ass nonsense we see here.  Sadly even though comics in the 80s had gotten darker over the years, with such works as Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns, kids were still not allowed to see such violence on their Saturday morning programs.

As a kid I’d have preferred a super powered smack down over this.

Note: The voice of Batman for this run of Super Friends was provided by Adam West, decades after hanging up the cowl from his successful Batman live action series, and the voice of Darkseid was delivered by the king of cartoon voices Frank Welker, and viewers of Inspector Gadget may recognize the fact that Darkseid sounds a lot like the gravelly voice Dr. Claw as Welker voiced them both. Watching this show I kept expecting Darkseid to end each episode declaring, “I’ll get you next time, Superfriends!”