Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983) – Review

There is certainly no shortage of Star Wars rip-offs, but in the case of 1983s Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn we get a Star Wars/Road Warrior combo rip-off so it gets points for that.

metalstormbritishquad1

With this offering, director Charles Band tried to cash in on the 3D craze of the 80’s but with his limited budget and an even more limited screenplay audiences found themselves watching a film that made little to no sense for its entire running time. Hell, even the movie’s title has practically nothing to do with the movie. At no point does metal form into hurricane, tornado or even a metal squall, and the movie is also lacking in any kind of destruction of bloody Jared-Syn!

michael prestonThe indestructible Jared-Syn.

The movie is apparently about this space ranger by the name of Dogen (Jeffrey Byron) who is trying to track down an intergalactic super criminal named Jared-Syn (Michael Preston). Dogen has followed Jared-Syn to the desert planet of Lemuria where he has become some kind of cult leader among a group of mutant looking dudes called “One Eyes”, who in a fight would certainly have a disadvantage when it comes to depth perception.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-16h39m50s108Survival Tip: To avoid a Cyclopian just stand a little to the left.

Do you like seeing people drive around in the desert? If so this is the movie for you as its 84 minute running time mostly consists of people driving or walking around in the desert. Occasionally an action scene will break out where a “skybike” will attack or the hero will have to ram a blockade resulting in your standard A-Team car explosions, but overall it is a surprisingly boring movie for an action film.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-13h43m03s67The optical effects here prove that tens of dollars were spent on this movie.

Now the film implies that this is some space saga but as we never leave this crummy desert planet I call bullshit. It’d be like if Han Solo and Luke just decided to drive around Tatooine in their landspeeder and occasionally shoot at Tusken Raiders but never get on board the Millennium Falcon to go anywhere. Charles Band would have been better off making this a straight Road Warrior rip-off and keep the setting as a post-apocalyptic Earth, leaving out all the space fantasy stuff that never pays off.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h48m06s189I am gravely disappointed. Again you have made me unleash my dogs of war.”

The damsel in distress in this film is Dhyana (Kelly Preston), the daughter of a crystal miner who was killed by Baal (R. David Smith) for mining in the Cyclopians Forbidden Zone. Baal is the cyborg son of Jared-Syn and is this film’s stand in for Darth Vader. Being that his sole power seems to be squirting hallucinogenic green goo out of his robot arm, he isn’t all that imposing.

Metalstorm baal“I’m late for my Judge Dredd audition.”

Dogen teams up with Dhyana and the two of them soon encounter Baal again, where Dogen gets the goo sprayed on him. Unlike Dhyana’s father, Dogen and Dhyana’s combined will is too strong and he is able to resist Jared-Syn’s evil power.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-15h04m48s229“The Force is strong with these ones”

Syn reveals a new power, having the ability to teleport Dhyana away to his mountain hide-out and then teleport a monster for Dogen to fight. You would think a power like that would be one of your go to tactics as it almost guarantees victory in a fight. You magically yank your enemy from wherever he is hiding and then plop him down in front of a firing squad. Then you pop a beer and enjoy galactic conquest.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-15h06m30s220Beam me up!

Instead of this obvious ploy, Syn dispatches some electric monster to take care of Dogen but it is easily defeated when Dogen lasers up a puddle and tricks the creature into stepping in it and getting short circuited. We are not to ask questions like, “How does a laser blast create a well spring in the middle of the desert” because that’s science!

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-15h10m17s125He got a charge out of it.

To find the lair of Jared-Syn, rescue the girl, and save the galaxy, Dogen goes to a seedy mining town to locate Rhodes (Tim Thomerson), a washed-up ranger who apparently knows the location of the Lost City that Syn is holed up in.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-15h22m28s43I made the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs.

Rhodes reluctantly agrees to help and soon the buddy duo are bopping along desert roads, bashing through more blockades, swiping sacred alien relics, and fighting noble Cyclopians warriors, until finally Dogen is able to face off against Jared Syn inside the sacred Holy City.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-15h31m53s90They even have their own burning bush.

Dogen is able to convince the Cyclopians that they have been duped by Jared Syn by telling them that he plans to enslave them all once his magic crystal has sucked in enough life forces. Realizing the jig is up Syn jumps on a skybike and flees with Dogen in hot pursuit. For some reason Dogen puts on one of the Cyclopians helmets which only allows for one eye to see through so it’s no surprise that Syn escapes through some funky star gate.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-15h38m56s216It’s full of stars.

So the day is saved and our hero gets the girl, but then you ask, “Wait, wasn’t this movie subtitled The Destruction of Jared Sin?” Yes, this movie does seem to lack any kid of destruction of the villain, and of course the simple reason for this is that Charles Band hilariously thought he had a franchise on his hands. Sadly we never got “Jared-Syn Strikes Back” or “Return of the Jared.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-13h40m51s26Even by shoddy Star Wars rip-off standards this movie is bad, it has no idea how to provide any sense of world building, we are just given snippets of crap about soul crystals and people who mine them but with no understanding of the why or how this works, and then we are saddled with a hero dressed like Mad Max but with the personality of Galapagos Island Turtle. Even in three dimensions this guy had no depth.

vlcsnap-2015-02-20-15h30m35s78Special shout out to Richard Moll as the Cyclopian leader.

Note:   I have since watched the Shout Factory Bluray release of this movie and must state that seeing it in 3D does help, the “Coming at you” gags and though silly they are kind of fun, and the overall quality of the remastered video is startling good.  Still not a good movie but more fun in that extra dimension.

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