Tremors 5: Bloodlines (2015) – Review

Over a decade after the release of Tremors 4: The Legend Begins, which one has to admit is quite the dry spell in the world of direct-to-video movies, Universal Studios decided that after such a long hiatus a re-launch of the franchise was the best option and to say their reasoning was sound is, at best, debatable. This would also be the first entry in the franchise without any participation from the original writing team who had started it all back in 1990, needless to say, Michael Gross and his character Burt Gummer were more than game for another go at Graboid hunting.

If the franchise wasn’t already the “Burt Gummer Show” up to this point it certainly became that with Tremors 5: Bloodlines as this re-launching of the brand made this quite apparent with the movie opening us finding out that Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) has become a star in his own survivalist web-series where he’s traded on his notoriety as a man who has encountered and killed a variety of Graboids, all to sell such condiments as “Burt Gummer’s Cactus Juice” marinade, but what this film does with its clever web-series opening is it gives us a refresher course on Graboid history and their life-cycle to old and new fans alike.

“For those of you newcomers, who don’t have a clue about Graboids, let me bring you up to speed.”

This entry also introduces us to Travis B. Welker (Jamie Kennedy) an extreme-sports advocate and war-videographer who becomes Burt’s new cameraman – that he is later revealed to be Burt’s love child from a brief affair he had while attending a Florida gun show back in the 70s is a nice little twist – but before we can have any father-son bonding moments we have a monster movie to attend to. The pair are soon approached by South African Wildlife Ministry agent Erick Van Wyk (Daniel Janks) who hopes that Burt will help deal with an Ass-Blasters outbreak in South Africa, and despite Burt’s insistence that is impossible, that the Graboid menace is confined to the northern hemisphere, the unlikely duo head to the Dark Continent to investigate.

Could these two be our White Saviors?

Upon arriving in Gauteng, the Cradle of Civilization, Burt learns that his heavy weaponry has impounded due to South African gun laws, and though Wyk provides a small assortment of guns Burt protests that their calibre is far too small to kill the monsters in question. This brings us to the key issue of franchise continuity as to what will and will not kill a Graboid. In the original Tremors it took an elephant gun to kill one of the creatures, or if you were lucky enough to get it to swallow a pipe bomb, but in the subsequent films a variety of weapons have been used to take out various Graboids, Shriekers and Ass-Blasters. So is Burt being cautious or just a wuss?  Now, Burt and Travis are not alone in this adventure and are helped out by a somewhat crazy helicopter pilot named Den Bravers (Ian Roberts) and Dr. Nandi Montabu (Pearl Thusi), the woman who owns and runs the local animal refuge and it is she who provides a possible romantic element for Travis as if this movie needed one.  But it’s when two paleontologists are found eaten, and fossilized remains of a Graboid is discovered, that Burt comes to the realization that they are dealing with a different and more dangerous breed of Graboid.

“Quick, someone call Alan Grant!”

Sadly, what starts out as a fun monster movie quickly devolves into random silly scenes that are only briefly interrupted by a Graboid or Ass-Blaster attack, the camaraderie between Burt and Travis eventually evolves into something akin to a relationship but it takes way too long to get there and we are forced to suffer through a lot of groan-inducing Banter while we wait. Things get even worse when it’s revealed that Erick Van Wyk is actually a poacher and he is planning to sell the eggs on the black market, yes quite a shocking revelation to anyone who hasn’t seen a movie before. Things devolve further when he locks Burt in a metal cage and we are forced to witness a naked Burt Gummer drinking his own piss to stave off dehydration, which is utter bullshit. Burt Gummer is touted as being a survivalist but somehow he doesn’t know that not only will drinking your urine not rehydrate you, it will have the opposite effect and dehydrate you at a faster rate.

Did I mention he also gets peed on by a lion?

Stray Observations:

• We see an ancient African tribal dance about Ass-Blasters but if they’ve been around recent enough to be part of African culture how does the rest of the world not know about them?
• If the South African Wildlife Ministry is not actually a thing why would Nandi, an African veterinarian and owner of an animal refuge, not know that Erick Van Wyk was a fake?
• Nandi scouts around her place with a silly bow and arrow, even though she knows most guns have a hard time taking out one of these creatures, makes her either suicidal or just stupid, you be the judge.
• Wait a minute, apparently multiple shots from a .45 automatic won’t even slow an Ass-Blaster down but Nandi will kill one with just a couple of arrows, how does that make sense to anyone?
• A Graboid attacks a couple of dudes while ignoring a herd of cattle a few feet away, which begs the question “Do Graboids have a thing against eating beef?”
• Two of our characters stealthily avoid an ass-blaster in a cluttered kitchen which is an obvious nod to a similar scene involving velociraptors in the original Jurassic Park.

“If it’s considered homage we don’t get sued, right?”

What is most disappointing about Tremors 5: Bloodlines is that director Don Michael Paul is fairly good at his job and the look and feel of the film is dynamic and visually appealing but he is constantly hampered by a poor script that was cobbled together by screenwriters Woodrow Truesmith, C.J. Strebor and M.A. Deuce who managed to undercut the film’s actual moments of tension with bad jokes and cheesy one-liners, that is when they weren’t ripping off Jurassic Park, because along with the kitchen sequence being lifted from the first Jurassic Park we also get the Graboids chasing our heroes because they are carrying a Graboid egg, which is straight out of Jurassic Park III. That all said, the monsters themselves are fairly well-realized, a definite improvement over what we saw in the previous film, and Don Michael Paul does manage to create a sense of danger and menace, it’s just too bad this entry was not quite worthy of his effort.

Note: The mid-credit footage hints at Burt and Travis becoming monster hunters, possibly going after creatures like gremlins and Bigfoot, sadly, the franchise stuck with Graboids instead of branching out to other monsters. Talk about missed opportunities.